I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
