i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
