I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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