My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
