i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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