True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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