Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
