I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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