Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
