thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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