There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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