I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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