I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
