In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
