I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
