do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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