the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
