My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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