i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
