Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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