Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
