you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
