I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
