Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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