i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
