Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
