I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
