it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
