I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
