I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Come on in and take your pants off
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