I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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