She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
