Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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