Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
