He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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