Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
