I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
