he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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