First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
