I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
