apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
