Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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