She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
