Already got asked if we're dating
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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