when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
