Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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