new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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