My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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