If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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