why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
