end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she told me i tasted like america
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
