i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
