Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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