Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
