So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
