i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
